Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The Case of the Giant Bug (old)

The Case of the Giant Bug puzzled the police. Four families, in as many days, reported giant insects in their homes. The first two reports received only cursory glances by the department. The Southwest police force thought the people were crazy. Police searched both homes and found nothing. Even so, the residents would not return to their homes.

When the mayor’s family filed the third report, the police chief took notice. The mayor of Southwest was a respected member of the city government and the police chief threatened severe punishment to any department members who dared to question the mayor’s sanity. The fourth and final report also came from a respected family. Something was not right and the city was running out of available hotel rooms for lodging its displaced members.

The reports did not make sense. All four houses were spotlessly clean and in excellent repair. They were not the typical homes to suffer an infestation of bugs and they definitely would not fit the description of a habitat for a giant bug! Soil samples collected from the perimeters of all four properties contained the normal garden variety of bugs. There were no clues yet, but the lab was cultivating the samples to see if any irregularities showed up.

The strangest development so far was disturbing the chief. The sample of bugs died quickly in its own environment. After just three hours, the lab needed more samples. All of the sample bugs were dead! Several police officers were already complaining about digging for insects. The last samples arrived at the lab just ten minutes ago. Instructions were for the tests to be underway within an hour. The police chief did not like bugs and wanted results without having to collect more samples.

Lab technicians were diligently studying the bugs. In their sample environment, though, this was difficult to do. Distinguishing the decaying insects from the dirt that surrounded them was often hard. “Why are we doing this? It is disgusting!” Linda pronounced as she extracted a bug and carefully inserted him into the viewer. “I hate bugs!” she announced to nobody in particular. It was still difficult for Linda to tell where the dirt stopped and the specimen began. She pulled the specimen from the scope and blew on it. Linda was not ready to put her face closer to the slide and knew that blowing on it would not help any way.

She found a cotton swab and gently brushed at the atrocity. “Yuck!” After two more swabs, the bug was relatively clean. Linda inserted her specimen back into the scope. The bug’s back was dry and cracked. Each time she blinked, though, a few cracks disappeared. Before long, the bug looked shiny and smooth. “How can this be?” Linda asked herself aloud. “I must be working too hard! Okay, buddy, I am going to lunch. We will just put you in this nice dish and I will see you when I get back!” Linda was sure it would all make sense after some time away. She covered the dish tightly with a vented lid and followed the other technicians out of the lab and to the cafeteria.

The lunch break was just what Linda needed. She felt much better when she went back to the lab. The day’s problems were only just beginning though. When Linda returned to her work station, she found the specimen dish broken and the specimen gone. The lid was intact on the sides, but the glass on the top shattered from the inside out!

“What is going on here? And, where is my specimen?” Linda’s voice rose with each word. Bugs upset her in the first place and now this! People were beginning to gather around to find out what all the fuss was about. Most agreed that the dish broke from the inside, but how could that be? None of the insects had that much strength!

Just as Linda calmed down, someone screamed. All heads turned just in time to see Lucy climb on top of a neighboring work station. This feat caused an upset of all the equipment and specimens that previously occupied the space. “I saw something! Over there (pointing to the other side of the room), it was big and black and, oh . . . kill it!”

Questions came from everyone present. “How big was it?” “What was it?” “Where did it go?”

Another scream followed as another female technician upset a work station in her haste to increase her distance from the floor. “Oh, my God, that thing is the size of a mouse! It went under the desk!” Only two other work stations fell before they caught the elusive creature.

The creature, it seemed, was a very large bug with a piece of vented glass stuck in its back! Upon examination, the lab technicians, including Linda, concluded that the captured creature was, in fact, the missing specimen. Somehow, it had grown to the size of a tennis ball while they were at lunch. As he grew, he broke the lid of the specimen jar since the ventilation holes made it the weakest part of the dish. The only problem was that no one knew how or why he grew.

Technicians collected and compared the remaining samples (that had not wound up on the floor) to the recent captive. There was no comparison! The smaller insects showed cracks and decay while the larger one thrived!

The police chief chose that moment to stop in for a progress report. “Have you found anything yet?” Inspector Nolan’s impatience was showing. He peered at the specimen jars scattered about.

“Actually, we do have something,” Linda led Inspector Nolan to a much larger specimen jar.

“Where did you find this,” the inspector demanded impatiently? “God, is he ugly!” For some reason, everyone assumed “it” was a male.

Linda was not sure how to explain. “Actually, he found us. Before we went to lunch, he was the size of a marble and was in one of these specimen jars. When we got back from lunch, he had outgrown the jar and was wandering loose in the lab. He caused quite a bit of excitement before we caught him and figured out what happened!”

The inspector had remained silent during the explanation. He now heard “yeah” echoed from several people in the lab.

“Okay, so . . . you are telling me that this thing just grew to this size in a matter of an hour? How? Why?” He was relatively calm considering he did not believe a word of what he heard. The only thing preventing him from yelling was the size of the bug in front of him.

“We don’t know,” Linda answered him in a whisper.

“What do you mean, you don’t know? Who processed this specimen?” Now the inspector was yelling.

“I did, sir,” Linda was almost whispering again. She had taken a step back when the inspector started yelling.

“What did you do to the specimen?” Inspector Nolan was visibly trying to control his temper.

“I did not do anything! Well, I did clean him up a bit with a cotton swab. Now that I think about it, he seemed to rejuvenate after I cleaned him up. I figured my eyes were playing tricks and decided to start again after lunch.” Linda’s voice cracked repeatedly during this speech.

“That makes no sense!” The inspector was bellowing now. “How many swabs did you use on him? Did you add anything to the swab?”

“Three, I think. Let me check my garbage.” She wanted to put some distance between them any way, so she went to retrieve her waste basked. “Yes, three.” She fished out all three swabs for his inspection, and, no, I did not add anything. I just sort of brushed him off.”

“Are you ready to clean another bug,” he asked Linda?

As she nodded, he turned to another technician and barked some orders, “I do not want you to let that bug out of your sight! If you need to go to the bathroom, have someone watch him while you are gone. I will hold you personally responsible!”

Mike nodded and sat watching his specimen.

Linda found an acceptable specimen and proceeded to show Inspector Nolan what she did. She started with the dirty bug and showed him how it blended with the surrounding soil. She the pulled the specimen and swabbed him like she had with the other specimen. The specimen went back under the scope. “See how his back is all dry and cracked?” He looked and nodded.

“Look again, does it look like the cracks are disappearing?” He looked and nodded again, puzzled.

“Then what,” the inspector asked?

“Then I put him in one of these . . .” as she placed the new specimen into the waiting dish.

“Hey, I am going to need a bigger jar over here real soon!” Mike was still guarding the original specimen. Someone handed him an empty ten-gallon aquarium. The big bug was now the size of a regulation softball.

The inspector peered into the aquarium and swore under his breath, “Jesus! Okay, I want to know how big this thing gets, by the hour, how long it lives, what it needs to survive. What kills it? We better start cleaning some more bugs! I do not want this one touched.”

“We are going to need some more specimen jars and aquariums, Inspector.”

Several technicians were running around the lab collecting all of the available dishes and jars.

“I will take care of it. How much time do I have?” The inspector was barking orders into the radio now. “You have one hour!”

By four o’clock, the original specimen was the size of a basketball and the aquarium was almost inadequate to hold him. Mike did not have a larger aquarium. One was on its way. Meanwhile, a dozen and a half specimens were in various stages of growth. Technicians were labeling each specimen for the time they cleaned it and the treatment they gave it. Two technicians were busy taking pictures at each stage of the process.

At five o’clock, the original specimen died. The inspector needed answers. “Okay, what killed it?”

Mike, who spent the afternoon watching his progress, offered his opinion. “He either starved to death or wore himself out.”

Inspector Nolan wanted more. “How do you figure that?”

Mike was ready for this question. “That’s easy. That kind of growth takes a lot of energy. We get energy from the food we eat. Our bodies convert it into a usable form. We also have sources of energy inside our bodies, you know, in those fat pockets we try so hard to get rid of. Well, this poor guy had no food unless he found some when he was on the floor. So, we have to assume that this growth used energy created inside him. Also, the larger he grew, the slower he moved. It took him twice as long to get half as far. He did not have enough energy to move and grow.”

Inspector Nolan was thoughtful for a moment. “Well, that made sense. So, are we assuming these things have a five-hour life span?”

“Without food, or with little food, five hours or thereabouts. We still don’t know what he eats. Have any or your cases reported being bitten by one of these things?”

Mike had his own questions.

“No, and apparently they did not move fast enough to chase them out of their homes either. The occupants left just to get away from them,” offered Inspector Nolan.

“Do you know if there are any scratches or bite marks on furniture? That might tell us something.” Mike was thinking aloud now.

“You are right! I will have some people check that out. The one thing that bothers me is that we did not find any evidence that a bug this large died on the premises.”

The inspector was reaching for his radio to give the latest instructions.

Another technician piped up at this point. “I might be able to help with that one,” Randy was getting excited, “come and take a look!” My instructions for this specimen were to add dirt from the sample at regular intervals. I started by adding a handful of dirt ten minutes ago. I am not sure yet, but I swear this guy is shrinking at an amazing rate. I am debating now whether to add more dirt or just leave it at the handful.”

“Let’s leave it for now and see what happens.” Inspector Nolan was scratching his head. “Hey, see if you can get a measure of how much dirt you used.”

“Sure, okay . . . it looks like a quarter of a cup, give or take.” Randy scooped dirt into a measuring beaker.

After an hour, the second specimen was back to the size of a marble. It took four hours for the bug to grow but only an hour for him to shrink. Inspector Nolan could not believe what he was seeing. “Amazing! Okay, these things were in spotlessly clean houses. Since we did not find the creatures, they had to have come into contact with dirt that eventually turned them back to their original size. Where would you look for that dirt?”

“The basement . . .?”

“Behind furniture . . .?”

“Under the refrigerator . . .?”

“My bathroom. . . !”

Answers were coming from all directions. Inspector Nolan jotted down each idea as it came. He then barked the information into the radio to the officers on the scenes. “This is really going to help. You guys are great! Hey, I know it is late, but can I get one or two of you to stay? The rest of you better go before someone complains about the overtime. Thanks, again.”

Fifteen minutes later, the lab was quiet. Two technicians, Linda and Mike, volunteered to stay behind. The three of them were reviewing their findings when a voice sounded over the radio, “Inspector, we are at the mayor’s residence. We found evidence of dirt and one insect under the basement staircase. Do you want us to bag the stuff up?”

The inspector excused himself to confirm instructions. Three more calls of a similar nature came through on the radio. They now had evidence at of the homes that these giant bugs were probably there. All four bugs returned to original size when their paths crossed with dirt. The lab would verify that these bugs were the same ones, but Inspector Nolan felt confident that the case was over. He still wanted more information about the creatures, but the pressure was off.

The newspaper carried the following article the next day:

Can Your House be Too Clean?

So, it seems. According to the Southwest Police Department, a new class of bugs thrives on cleanliness. The bugs grow to the size of basketballs and are quite scary to behold. Several families evacuated their homes recently to avoid the creatures. The life span of the bugs is only a few hours though. The police are still unsure what these creatures eat. Even so, they have yet to catch one that is full grown. Also, it seems that dirt restores them to their original size. Next time you think about cleaning, you might think twice!

4 Comments:

Blogger Erin said...

if only I could use this as an excuse!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005  
Blogger Vickie said...

maybe that's why I wrote it...so I wouldn't feel quite so guilty about not being as diligent as I should be. This was the one that appeared on the MTC CD, btw...

Wednesday, July 13, 2005  
Blogger Laura said...

hee hee --

I love this!

Thursday, July 14, 2005  
Blogger Vickie said...

thanks, Laura! Long time, no see.

Thursday, July 14, 2005  

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